This life is not my own...

I cannot explain the heartache I feel on a day to day basis missing my soul mate. It's truly an indescribable feeling and was nothing I could have ever "processed through" or "prepared for" in advance of this deployment. And believe me I "processed through" as many emotions as I could before my husband left. Just ask him how many tears I shed in "preparation" for his departure.  We both did. And while that curbed *some* of the emotions on departure day, it definitely didn't curb them all.  

Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
-Kahlil Gibran

Daddy's girl.
So, now that we are a month and a half in (and I'm no longer in total survival mode) the aches have arrived. The "funny" thing is, though, my heart aches for my husband during the happy moments. Especially when sugar bean achieves a new milestone. It's almost like my heart looks to my side for my husband to share the moment with...but he is not there...and my heart aches...

I don't think anyone or anything could have prepared me for this feeling. 

So instead of stuffing the emotions I let the tears come...in private anyway :) But I suspect on April 14th at my first triathlon of this season-and the first triathlon I have done without my husband since we first started dating-I will emote publicly.

Couple this "normal" heartache with the knowledge that my husband and his fellow soldiers "are doing what they are trained to do" or as one of our dear friend's would say, "doing bad things to bad people" all I can truly say is...

But God.

"Our glorifying is that our life is not dependent on ourselves, but is safe in our Lord, as saith the apostle, "I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me." Because he lives, we live, and shall live for ever. God grant that our eye may ever be clear towards Jesus, our life. May we have no confidence but in our Redeemer; may our eyes be fixed upon him, that no other object may in any measure or degree shut out our view of him as our all in all."
-Charles H. Spurgeon 

Truly, my faith in a God bigger than myself, my marriage, my family, even this life is the only reason I haven't lost my mind.

When I am fearful for my husband's safety...When I am fearful for my husband's best friend and fellow soldier...When I am fearful for my husbands leadership and fellow soldiers...I remember, "Our God is Greater"... 

"Therefore He is also able to save to the uttermost those who come to God through Him, since He always lives to make intercession for them." 
-Hebrews 7:25

When I am overwhelmed by heartache for my husband's companionship...When I am overwhelmed by the longing for my husbands arms...When I am overwhelmed by loneliness...I remember, "You're not Alone"...

"He heals my broken heart and binds up my wounds, curing my pains and sorrows."
-Psalm 147:3 
 
So, next week will be yet another week of "letting go and letting God". If there is one thing the military lifestyle has taught me over and over again: this life is not my own.



Olivia



"I prayed to the Lord and He answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with JOY! No shadow of shame will darken their faces."
-Psalm 34:4-5


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